How I am using my mental illness as a superpower during this pandemic.

Mental illness is surrounded by endless misinformation and stigmas, most people afflicted live in secrecy much like our fictional comic book heroes. In my case my afflictions have proven to be my greatest asset during this worldwide crisis. What better experience do you need when you deal with a crisis of mind on a daily basis?

I have PTSD.

My childhood was riddled with anxiety that manifested itself in irrational fears that would cause physical reactions in everyday life. My body would protest against school and group activities with vomiting and crying, my flight or fight response was in constant overdrive, as a child I didn’t understand it, nothing felt safe. These events evolved and as I grew a little older these triggered episodes of depression.

This foundation of anxiety and depression was my normal, as I grew into a young adult I took matters into my own hands I learned coping skills that aided me in pushing past these invisible walls. Not everything was perfect but who’s life is? That was until April 1, 2008.

That day is seared into every inch of my being.

It is what defines me today.

My younger sister went missing.

She is still missing.

It is the concept of not knowing that kills me. It is a constant nagging voice that whispers endlessly in my head. There is not a day goes by that I am not hit with confusion, guilt, fear, helplessness, anger, failure, the incessant question of “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?”

Doesn’t that sound pleasant?

Does it feel kind of familiar during these times?

Without getting too heavy with the details of the case, I instead want to tell you how getting diagnosis with PTSD changed my life, for the better.

I was a mess during that first year or two, maybe three. One of my coping mechanism to keep the anxiety and depression at bay was to always stay busy. That looked like holding two or three jobs at a time and going to school. The strategy to stay busy to keep my self sabotaging behaviors at bay. But when thrusted into the whirlwind of not knowing if your loved one is murdered, kidnapped, tortured etc; kind of throws a wrench into the coping skills that you relied so heavily on to function “normally”. I admitted myself into a behavioral health unit one year after my sister went missing. I spent a weekend there and allowed myself to just be as “crazy” as I felt. Honestly, it was nice little vacation.

I was medicated with various types of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and even anti-psychotics. It was awful. I no doubt needed something but the place that I lived had a major shortage of healthcare professionals that were equipped to deal with this type of case. I was reminded of this every time a new therapist’s demeanor changed when I would go into my story, I wasn’t just a young 20 something they assumed was looking for some drugs to get lost in on the weekends, though admittedly I did look the part. I needed help, serious help.

At the time of her disappearance I was working full time at The American Red Cross and I had just landed a freelance job with MTV News to cover the 2008 presidential election for my state. I have always kept my interests varied and having the opportunity to write was a dream of mine. But this is when things shifted, when my family became the story. I had taken various communication courses at school that stressed journalistic integrities and ethics. There is a stark contrast between writing for information and writing for entertainment. I had a unique perspective given that my sister went missing in a different country, I was able to see the story written from an American perspective and an International perspective. Let’s be honest it can be hard to write without some kind of bias getting written into a piece, all it can take is one misplaced word, a lazy editor, or an editor with an agenda to change the narrative.

I would read every article with a critical eye, each side supplied the facts, but what troubled me with some American publications was the unbridled nature of the writer’s tone. Tone can say more than the words itself and tone is also very subjective to the reader, especially if the reader is the part of the narrative. I had quit my freelance job two months after her disappearance due to the nature of the events, it also killed my love of writing.

I am by no means a person that believes the media is “fake”. There is usually a thread of truth in most articles but smart media outlets exploit human behavior and most people can be lazy (no offense). Typically people stick with one or two outlets that provide their daily news and most don’t take the time to question what they are being told. No one is to blame here, everyone’s life is hectic, addressing the needs of your family or business is often more important than whatever that loud news anchor just said. The lessons that I have learned is that you can’t trust just one, or two, or even three sources. You need to find the time and do the research yourself, look far left, look far right, look up, look down, look around that little dirt road that says no trespassing, and maybe then you can find the truth. You need to do that work, no one is going to do it for you, plus you also need to read more than just the headlines. Sorry, it doesn’t comes easy.

This need for honest answers grew from my own trauma. I grew to distrust news, government, law enforcement, charities, never in a fanatical way, just in a way of self preservation. I could tell I wasn’t going to get the help I needed from the healthcare professionals I saw, so tapping into my own old coping mechanisms I picked up more hours at my full-time job and enrolled back in school to finish my bachelors degree. I slowly started taking myself off of the medications I was prescribed ( I don’t advise this for most people afflicted with mental illness unless under the care of a medical professional) and I started focusing on a new outlet, exercise. I will be first to say, I was by no means an athlete, or physically fit during that time, one might say I almost failed gym class in high school, but admittedly I was desperate to find something to dull the pain. Side note; typically mental illness often has direct correlations with drug abuse, often used to “dull the pain” and I could have easily gone down that road, but the thought of my parents losing another child kept me pretty straight, I know many people aren’t that lucky. I soon carved out time to focus on my physical health which in turn had an astounding effect on my mental well-being.

I could almost tout it as a miracle cure but not having closure still does a lot of damage to one’s mental health. Years after the disappearance, after I made drastic changes to my life, I once again started to see another doctor. This was also in response to postpartum issues I was experiencing. Perhaps not consistently seeing the same medical provider over the years could have contributed to my current condition, but I often found sessions to be a consistent rehashing of events and feelings without any sign of progression to a settle state of mind, but I have no one to blame there is no “cure” when your loved one is still missing after a decade. I welcome responses or questions from medical professionals on how you help those patients in similar positions.

When the most recent doctor diagnosed me with PTSD I wasn’t surprised, I had received this diagnosed from doctors before. This time felt different, because I felt different. I realized that my natural anxious, sometimes moody demeanor had quieted. My anxiety attacks were no longer a churning in my stomach that burned through my veins, but now just a mere tap on the window that was met with a stronger force inside that just told it to shut up, I just don’t have the time for you. I would still have anxiety attacks but it just felt different, everything felt different. Sometimes it just felt like I felt nothing. For once I am able to control the chaos inside. When my doctor told me about his experience working with war veterans, how their perspective of the world changed as a result of trauma, I was able to gain a better understanding of myself. Time itself is an important factor in my current state, I’m sorry to say that you don’t just heal from something like this over night, think long term, years, decades, for some a lifetime.

My sister is still missing, but that doesn’t mean my life has to stop. It had slowed to a grinding halt on and off over the years, I’ve indulged in the detours before getting back on track and I’ve learned to forgive myself of not living the kind of life that has been packaged for us as “The American Dream”.

This notion of “the dream” is currently a nightmare in this pandemic. There are so many unknowns and from my own experience living in the dark over the past 12 years and 20 days, our mental health is at risk. We will sustain a trauma from this, and trauma is very isolating and is a very singular experience.

It is unsettling and unnerving looking at the people in leadership roles and being bombarded with bombastic news from all sides during this time. These people need to be made aware of the damage this is causing. So I want to offer my own advice, from the perspective of someone who has learned to handle the unknown.

Focus on yourself and your loved ones. Trust yourself. It is not a time to be selfish or self serving. Check in on your neighbors, call an aunt you haven’t talked to in a few years, turn off the tv for an hour or two. If you are an essential worker, thank you, I too have also been deemed essential at this time and have sustained an exposure myself. Fortunately I have not been sick, but Covid-19 is very real and you should take it seriously. If you have been at home during this time, laid off, diminished hours, now is the time to dabble in some new hobbies, learn a new skill. Do this for yourself cause you deserve this, make this time count for something, don’t let it be consumed with fear and panic. There will always be chaos in the world, learn to be a leader in chaos, learn to love it. How you react during this defines you.

Evaluate your finances, I know this can get dark for a lot of people, but you can handle it, you’re navigating this pandemic, you can dive into your finances, go big or go home. I don’t get health insurance through my job, sick or personal time, my husband works for himself, it can look like we are living without a safety net and often people work jobs that provide the kind of security you think you need. But what does that security look like now? I challenge you to take on your own security. You, and only you, are responsible for yourself. You have the time, read about various investments, start taking control of your financial future.

Living in the unknown has taught me about security and the illusion of it all. We rely on our employers to provide us with medical insurance, if we are lucky, a 401k match, or the elusive pension. These insurances that we are provided have been curated by the insurance companies and packaged to the employer and given to you with the illusion of choice. But what if you have an emergency and you can’t tell those who help you which hospital to take you to what if it is out of network, what if the doctor is out of network? I know this may seem a little off track but I just want to show you that you are already living in the unknown. There is no price list when we go to the emergency room. Combine that type of unknown with the onslaught of fear and unknown within the news, its the perfect storm that many find themselves in right now.

So finally, I want to formally welcome you to my world of the unknown, pull up a chair, get comfy, it’s been lonely here but I’m happy to finally have visitors. I’ve learned to embrace the chaos, to treat it as a friend, cause I like to treat everyone as a friend. Living here is exhausting, so the best way to combat that is to remain fairly neutral. Create a loose plan for your time, its fine to binge tv, but break that up with trying a new recipe, or opening up a new Etsy shop, and when you sell your first homemade thingamajig and you start questioning your entire life, roll with it, cause how is your employer really helping you now? How is the government addressing your needs? Now is the time to believe in yourself create your own security, lean into the things that scare you most cause we can handle this, we are all doing this together, right here right now.

I hope for closure to all of this, I’m skeptical on the handling of it all but we all have the ability to handle ourselves and our reactions to this crisis. Take this time to learn more about yourself, stay at home, use your best judgment because your actions can effect the people around you.

I just hope you know that when this chaos subsides you can retain the lessons you’ve learned and the strength you’ve gained to be a better version of yourself. It’s a crazy concept but within the unknown, anything is possible.

Thanks for visiting, I appreciate the company.